82 episodes
If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes
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- Comedy
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4.9 • 61 Ratings
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Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.
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Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Grandson
LB, Niki and John, having achieved unparalleled success as super-famous TikTok influencers, return to their humble podcasting roots for another round of important discussions, including (but not limited to) how much of acting is just demon possession, that Drew Carey tweet, white people music, discovering the source of 95% of the stress in LB's life, and dude, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.
Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).
Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Get bonus content on Patreon
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
I Want to Give You $700
With John trapped in the 1990s, producer Jordan joins Niki and LB for the typical weekly slate of activities, which includes inventing new kinds of gambling, coming up with a new big titty anime lady-based form of financial investment, peeing into the little cup, Niki's new friend Juliette, and somehow ... even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.
Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).
Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Get bonus content on Patreon
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
Ducks in the Hood
With Jordan back on the sticks, LB, John and Niki return to their regular work of discussing the most pressing issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, including the existential pain of being in the audience for bad comedy, the dire comments on our good TikToks, heroin as a venture investment, the good ol' days of file sharing, the best grass for where you live, Snoopy and how great he is, the American flag, and somehow, even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.
Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).
Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Get bonus content on Patreon
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
Demonstration of Licking, Eating, and Drinking
With Jordo away at a sensual conference for banjo frogs, the gang are actually pretty well-behaved. We talk about water bottles, the very worst songs we know, cereal, gifts for kids, and probably even more. I don't remember. Jordo usually writes these and knows what we talked about in the episode. Frankly I'm not sure. It's probably funny though. Hopefully.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.
Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).
Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Get bonus content on Patreon
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
I Want to Eat Metal
With Niki trapped in the labyrinthine tunnels beneath the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center, emergency reserve friend merritt k joins LB and John to discuss websites about eating metal, Bigfoot's dick, an interesting car LB spotted and its resulting bevy of secrets, who we would impersonate if we were to impersonate a celebrity, the secret to a successful marriage, sexy entertainment value, and somehow, even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.
Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).
Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Get bonus content on Patreon
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
A Million Monkeys Typing in a Room
LB, Niki and John open their ongoing notes document and attack this week's agenda, which includes John's new screenplay idea, a new crops-based gambling venture, solving Bruno Mars' gambling debt situation, finding new tax loopholes, addressing the issue of how many years there are, LB's dog's secret Facetime calls to John, a really unfortunate hamburger, and kitten, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.
Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).
Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Get bonus content on Patreon
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Customer Reviews
If you’re* driving close your’e* eyes
Is my favorite podcast
If you’re reading this, I love your podcast.
I love you freaks—y’all never fail to make my day :)
An interesting contradiction
I have been listening to this podcast since the beginning and even before when they did the show under a different name. They are funny most of the time, though sometimes they do have bits that don’t land (The Darth Maul kidnapping thing: it stanks, boys. It stanks).
There is an interesting contradiction about my enjoyment of this podcast as the crew here hate Family Guy to the point that even reading a simple episode description brings revulsion and I am something of a Family Guy scholar having written multiple essays about it and one day hoped to write a book about the show’s cultural significance as well as its development before I found out that I would not be possible.
While the quality of Family Guy is obviously subjective I think a lot of how you react to the show is directly connected to your feelings about your family. While there’s been no comprehensive research on this, I find that people who have good to decent family relationships tend to dislike or hate the show, and those with poor family relations tend to like the show.
Intentionally or otherwise it taps into something that I don’t think we really have ever seen before on mainstream American television: the hatred of family. This somewhat powerless feeling some have that they are attached to people they despise. Unlike most mainstream media, which portrays family as a link you must have, even if they frustrate you at times family ultimately is a net good in your life.
In an extensive essay I did that made the unlikely comparison of Family Guy to the acclaimed film, Hereditary, I argued that both works of art portray connection to family as a curse, something that no matter what will some day come to haunt you even if you think you’ve escaped it. Hereditary is more symbolic whereas Family Guy is more literal in that the titular family truly hate each other and the show has consistently shown that family is, at best, a chain around your neck and, at worst, something that will actively harm you. Even when trying to do some kind of usual sitcom resolution where the family comes together at the end, it is almost always undercut by a joke, is portrayed as an absurd situation or is just cut off entirely by some nonsensical happening that totally distracts from any positivity you can get from the scene.
I think what has kept the series relevant and continuing is Millennials and younger have a sense that they are sinking as the state of the world decays. Many of them that are still dependent on their family so they must sink with people they dislike if not outright hate, making what little time is left in this doomed society nothing more than a party you don’t want to be at. There is no exit and all you can do is try and find the humor in it all before the axe falls one way or another.
American Dad is actually pretty good still, though. Even if you don’t like Family Guy it’s worth giving a shot.