DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better ABCG Studios

“Mr. Bond, you appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season”
The Panel of Peril saunter through a small mining town in their fancy BMW, before being inexplicably arrested for not stopping at an intersection. Swiftly tried and convicted, they are sentenced to watch this week’s movie Nothing But Trouble (Dan Aykroyd, 1991). They are joined in this gross punishment by this week’s guest, Jesse Hawken from the Junk Filter Pod!
Chris Thorne (Chevy Chase) is a financial publisher who just wants to impress solicitor Diane Lightson (Demi Moore) by driving her, and two Brazilian wackos, to Atlantic City. Taking an unforeseen detour, they wind up in Valkenvania, a mining town that has fallen on hard times, and fall foul of local cop Dennis (John Candy) and decrepit Judge Valkenheiser (Aykroyd).
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbvIjtP7lxE
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Seeking reparations for a dodgy deal he was sold years ago, the JP is a twisted ghoul of a man with a literal rollercoaster death machine, and a lethal funhouse awaiting anyone who crosses him – especially bankers. Therefore, he has a vested interest in punishing the high-flying Chris and chums when they wind up in his courthouse. It’s a comedy guys; but not as we know it!
What did the heck panel think of this week’s movie? How in all that is holy can they improve upon Judge Valkenheiser’s masterplan? And which evil schemer will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
The (brutal) Roast of Chevy Chase can be viewed here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CG4W0OfzJjM
The German trailer for Valkenvania can be seen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RGBvBsgc8E
An excellent documentary on the town that Valkenvania (and Silent Hill) was based on can be viewed here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Lftblcp0Ns&t=8soutube.com
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“Is he just horny?”
The Panel of Peril climb a big ol’ mountain to claim a mythical prize to aid them in their epic quest. That prize is a DVD of this week’s film; that quest is to watch that DVD, which is this week’s film Krull (Peter Yates, 1983). Upon climbing back down the mountain, they are met well by this week’s guest panel member, Matt Spectro!
Prince Colwyn (Ken Marshall) and Lyssa (Lysette Anthony) are happily betrothed to be married, after which they will rule over the planet Krull, presumably with a lavender fist. Their son is also prophesied to rule over the galaxy, and so they, as you can imagine, are absolutely delighted. But the arrival of a warlord known as The Beast (Tim Dry/Trevor Martin) and his army puts the kibosh on their destinies.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndpV6qfQJVw
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Gathering a band of merry men/fellowship as they traverse the countryside of Krull, Prince Colwyn, Torquil (Alun Armstrong), Ergo (David Battley) and a kindly Cyclops (Bernard Bresslaw) march on The Beast’s teleporting castle. He means to take Lyssa’s hand in marriage himself, and therefore rule the galaxy by proxy. Will Colwyn and the gang be able to locate the Black Fortress in time to stop him?
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie, pray tell? How can they improve upon The Beast’s prophecy-hijacking plan? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
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“Surprise! Butcher’s hook up your nostril”
The Panel of Peril start creepily speaking Latin, wield small, sharp weapons at one another, but thankfully stop short of gouging their own eyes out. They’ll be needing those to watch this week’s film Event Horizon (Paul WS Anderson, 1997).
The crew of the Lewis & Clark are your typical blue-collar bunch. Miller (Laurence Fishburne), Starck (Joely Richardson), Smith (Sean Pertwee) are not best pleased when they are sent on a shaggy dog mission to recover the long-lost mega-ship the Event Horizon. The ship’s creator Weir (Sam Neill) is along for the ride, much to the crew’s chagrin, but where has the Horizon been all these years?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nlkEY-3CMI
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Well… Weir explains that the ship has the ability to fold the universe in on itself, and so it turns out that it has been in… Hell! And now it wants the crew of the Lewis & Clark dead, manipulating Weir as its henchman of destruction. Can the guys and gals better their inner demons, actual demons, and BOMBS, and escape with their souls intact?
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon an evil spaceship’s scheme? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
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“That's what you get for inviting audience participation”
The Panel of Peril slip out of their wet clothes and into a dry martini, before taking a pew to watch this week’s film The Man With The Golden Gun (Guy Hamilton, 1974).
Has James Bond (Roger Moore) met his match in the charming, villainous and charmingly villainous Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee)? As the world’s best secret agent (that’s Bond) and the world’s most expensive assassin are pitted against one another, can 007 stop the world being held to ransom by the selling of Scaramanga’s nefarious Solex solar power? Perish the thought.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gF5fr3Zhi7E
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
There’s also the small matter of Scaramanga sending Bond a bullet that literally has his name on it! If I know James Bond, he’s not going to stand for that! And he doesn’t, so I am right! Culminating in a memorable funhouse duel on Scaramanga’s secret island lair, Bond will also have to contend with devious manservant cum gamesmaster Nick Nack (Herve Villechaize) in his fight for survival.
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon Scaramanga’s scheme? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
Alice Cooper’s rejected theme tune can be heard here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMKPTSE14tY
Sound effect: https://pixabay.com/sound-effects/spy-game-56943/
Sound effect: https://pixabay.com/sound-effects/malathion-85943/
Music: https://pixabay.com/music/pulses-007-bond-more-on-spotify-bruno-magic-148987/
Music: https://pixabay.com/music/bossa-nova-dream-by-dreams-143531/
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“You simply must introduce me to that pile of rats”
The panel of peril down a big glass of red wine and eat a plate of delicious, steamed broccoli and roasted garlic before taking in this week’s film Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Francis Ford Coppola, 1992).
Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) is an elderly gent rattling around in his large home, pining after his lost love Elisabeta (Winona Ryder). When solicitor Jonathon Harker (Keanu Reeves) turns up at his gaff to seal a London property deal, he sees that Harker’s bride to be Mina Murray (also Ryder) is the reincarnation of his centuries dead love. Can the Count win the heart of Murray or will Harker wed her as planned?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgFPIh5mvNc
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
He’s a vampire! Blah! Dracula has travelled oceans of time to find Mina and nothing will stop him from being with her now. Snacking on her best friend Lucy (Sadie Frost), avoiding blood expert Abraham Van Helsing (Anthony Hopkins) and manipulating henchman Renfield (Tom Waits), it seems as though ol’ Drac has every base covered. Will he make off with a new bride, or will a stake be put through his ambitions?
What the actual flip did the panel make of this one? How the actual flip can they improve upon Count Dracula’s bloody scheme? And who the actual flip will be victorious in this week’s competition?
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“A haiku?”
Fighting their way past a load of goons, down a narrow corridor, the panel of peril struggle to make any headway. Finally finishing off the last of the lads (no laughing at the back there!), they slump in their chair exhausted and watch this week’s film Oldboy (Park Chan-wook, 2003).
Oh Dae-su (Choi Min-sik) is a bit of a d-bag. A drunken, irresponsible, womanising d-bag, to be specific. When he is inexplicably locked up in a single room for 15 years, by a cash-rich lad named Lee Woo-jin (Yoo Ji-tae) as it turns out, he changes his ways and becomes a stoic killing machine. Why was he imprisoned, and just how does new flame Mi-do (Kang Hye-jeong) fit into this intricate puzzle?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBNBpNcuQHI
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Turns out that during their time at Evergreen, Dae-su started a scurrilous rumour that Woo-jin was having an incestuous affair with his own sister Soo-ah (Yoon Jin-seo). That rumour snowballed to the point that Soo-ah took her own life and led her broken-hearted brother on a path of long game vengeance. To tell all would be a spoiler too far. Who will come out on top of this tragic tussle and what will be left of them?
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie, pray tell? How can they improve upon Woo-jin’s deliberate machinations? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
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