Alonement Francesca Specter
-
- Society & Culture
-
Alonement is a podcast about the positive side of spending time alone. When being alone isn't lonely, it's alonement: finding joy and value in solitude. Each week, host Francesca Specter asks a new guest about the time they spend by themselves – and why it matters to them.
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
-
Maggie Smith: Financial Independence, Relearning Vulnerability & Dating After Divorce
Maggie Smith is a poet & writer who found overnight fame when her poem, ‘Good Bones’, went viral on social media in 2016. Later on, her life was to take a further change when her husband of 19 years, and the father of her children, announced he wanted a divorce two years later. Her memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, published in April 2023 – explores the connection between these two events, how become a hit writer led to the breakdown of her marriage – and what could be found in the disruption that followed it all. Throughout it all, Maggie’s love of creativity and solitude has been a constant – something she speaks to me about in this episode. We also talk about finding love in middle age, and the joy of a relationship that’s free from the pressure of milestones.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
Takeaways
Alone time can be a positive and restorative experience, especially for creative individuals.Being in a relationship that is not working can be lonelier than being alone.Financial independence and self-sufficiency are important for personal empowerment.There is freedom in choosing a relationship without merging lives and milestones.Alone time is essential for creativity and self-reflection.
Chapters
00:00
Introduction and Small Talk
03:33
Exploring the Meaning of Alone
04:27
Aloneness as a Positive and Restorative Experience
05:24
The Irony of Being an Introverted Writer
06:24
The Challenges of Being an Introverted Writer in the Public Eye
08:15
Navigating Life After Divorce
09:43
The Loneliness of Incompatible Partnership
10:41
Living Alone vs. Living Without a Partner
11:36
The Myth of Partnership Solving Loneliness
13:29
The Shift in Attitudes Towards Being Alone
14:52
The Impact of Age on Relationship Choices
16:13
The Pressure to Settle Down and Have Children
17:32
Financial Independence and Self-Sufficiency
18:45
The Liberation of Not Racing Through Relationship Milestones
19:58
The Freedom of Choosing a Relationship Without Merging Lives
21:20
Balancing Independence and Vulnerability
22:48
The Lack of Cultural Models for Non-Traditional Relationships
23:44
The Beauty of Constant Companionship
24:43
The Negative Side of Hyper-Independence
25:39
The Importance of Alone Time for Creativity
27:29
Learning to Accept Help and Support
28:54
Returning to a Special Place for Solitude
31:43
The Restorative Power of Writing Alone
33:09
The Impact of Professional Success on Relationships
35:31
The Evolution of Creativity After Having Children
39:21
The Joy of Having Unstructured Alone Time
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
Alice Vincent: A Garden of One's Own
There are certain rites of passage that take place after a major break-up. For some, it’s a hair-cut or a big solo trip, or a regrettable rebound with someone the polar opposite of your ex. My guest this week, Alice Vincent, departed from the cliches: for her, it was growing plants. In her partly autobiographical books, Rootbound and more recently Why Women Grow, Alice chronicles how she came to growing plants as a way to heal and regain a sense of control after a break-up in her late twenties. As her life has changed – Alice is now married with her first child – gardening has remained a constant for her. In this episode, we discuss how Alice has navigated the changes of the past seven years, how gardening has allowed her to maintain a version of independence throughout it, and why she never feels lonely while out in the garden. Later, Alice also shares her tips for beginning your gardening journey by yourself, whether it’s just growing herbs on a windowsill, using a balcony space or joining a community garden.
Takeaways
Alone time can be a valuable and fulfilling experience, allowing for personal growth and self-reflection.Creating personal space, whether through gardening or other activities, can provide a sense of independence and freedom.Navigating relationships and sharing space with a partner requires constant communication and a willingness to compromise.Taking time alone, whether through solo trips or dedicated alone time at home, can be rejuvenating and empowering.
00:00
Introduction
04:34
Transition to Writing
06:27
Exploring Alonement
07:43
Defining Alone
09:38
Aloneness in Different Life Stages
10:35
The Luxury of Alone Time
13:04
Navigating Alone Time
14:28
Themes in Rootbound and Why Women Grow
15:21
Finding Solace in Gardening
19:46
Creating Space for Oneself
20:46
Gardening as a Solitary Activity
24:41
The Meditative Nature of Gardening
27:03
Living with a Partner and Maintaining Independence
30:16
The Ambivalence of Sharing Space
34:32
Choosing Relationships on One's Own Terms
38:52
Creating Personal Space
43:37
Tips for Starting a Growing Journey
47:21
Taking Time Alone
50:07
Ultimate Alone Time
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
Leslie Stephens: The Joy of Living Alone, Plus How To Design a Home for One
Leslie Stephens is the writer behind Morning Person, a top 10 Substack newsletter that chronicles her life in Portland, Oregon. In August last year, shortly after her 30th birthday, Leslie announced to her readers that she was separating from her husband. Over the past 18 months, she’s chronicled her journey of living by herself for the first time, including her recent solo house purchase – which we chat about in this episode. She also shares her advice – as a former food and lifestyle editor – of establishing a home by yourself, and – crucially – for yourself, rather than designing around the absence of someone else. Whether or not you’re already familiar with Leslie’s work, this conversation is full of gems for any kind of solo living – I hope you get as much from it as I did.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device. This season of Alonement was edited by Pineapple Audio Production.
Chapters
00:00
Introduction
01:00
Learning to Make a Home for One
02:25
Designing a Home as a Solo Liver
05:22
The Challenges and Mistakes of Designing Alone
06:47
Designing with a Partner vs Designing Alone
10:59
The Lack of Resources for Solo Living
11:55
Creating Content for Solo Living
13:17
Making Changes in a Solo Living Space
14:44
The Importance of Solitude in Designing a Home
19:44
The Lack of Resources for Designing a First Home Alone
21:08
Building a New Relationship with a Parent
22:32
Navigating the Grey Areas of Life
25:16
Coping with Weekends and Sundays Alone
27:07
Finding Joy in Cooking for One
32:29
Creating Recipes and Experimenting with Cooking Alone
38:11
The Inspiration Behind the Novel 'You're Safe Here'
46:26
Maintaining Solitude in a Relationship
47:45
The Ultimate Alonement: Movement and Stillness
10:00
The Importance of Self-Awareness
20:00
The Role of External Validation
30:00
Navigating Comparison and Social Media
40:00
The Impact of Internal Dialogue
48:40
Conclusion
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
Max Dickins: On Male Friendship & Overcoming Weekend Loneliness
Getting engaged to your partner is typically a time for celebration. But for today’s guest Max Dickins, it was …. more complicated. As he prepared to propose to his girlfriend, Naomi, he had an uncomfortable revelation: he couldn’t think of anyone to ask to be his best man. This prompted a personal crisis for the writer and comedian – one which inspired him to address the dwindling friendship connections in his own life …… and to investigate the topic of male mental health and loneliness more. The result was his brilliant non-fiction book, Billy No Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem.
This is a wide-ranging discussion, which actually opens with a chat about the romance of solitude – sometimes Max has always valued, but once used as an excuse for why he sometimes had no one to see at weekends. We also cover gendered attitudes towards both solitude and loneliness, which was really interesting and definitely opened my eyes. I hope you enjoy listening.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
Takeaways
Solitude and loneliness are not the same; solitude is a choice to spend time alone, while loneliness is a subjective feeling of unhappiness with social connections.Gender plays a significant role in the association of solitude and loneliness, with historical and cultural factors influencing the gendered distinctions.Toxic masculinity can contribute to extreme solitude and the need to outdo each other in terms of solitude, which can be pathological.The social biome is a balance of different types of relationships, including close friendships, casual connections, and moments of solitude.Weekend loneliness is a phenomenon that affects many individuals, particularly men, who may feel isolated and lacking social connections during weekends.Understanding and appreciating the value of solitude can lead to a healthier balance in relationships and personal well-being.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Background
03:00 Gendered Perspectives on Solitude
06:00 Toxic Masculinity and Extreme Solitude
09:00 The Rationalisation of Solitude
10:00 Loneliness vs. Solitude
12:00 The Social Biome and Balance
15:00 The Friendship Problem for Men
20:00 Exploring Masculinity and Gender Conditioning
23:00 Gendered Behaviours and Barriers to Connection
29:00 Weekend Loneliness and its Impact
34:00 Reevaluating the Value of Solitude
38:00 Reflections on the Book and the Importance of Conversation
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
Anita Bhagwandas: Finding a Social Balance When You Live Alone
My guest this week is Anita Bhagwandas, an award winning beauty director, and more recently the author of Ugly: Giving Us Back Our Beauty Standards, a book that examines the damaging impact of narrow beauty ideals and serves as a brilliant manifesto towards a more inclusive attitude. The book explores the importance of practising self care on your own terms, not what the beauty industry tells you - something Anita knows a lot about after 15 years in the industry. Anita also lives alone in London, like me, and we discuss the creative joys of cooking for one, getting to plan a week that perfectly balances quiet night doing laundry with going out to gigs with friends - something Anita loves – plus an honest discussion of why getting flaked on can affect you much harder when you’re single or live alone.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
Takeaways
Alone time preferences can vary from person to person, and it is important to find a balance that works for you.Self-care is not about buying things or following trends; it is about understanding what truly nourishes and rejuvenates you.The commodification of self-care has led to a misconception that it requires expensive products or activities, when in reality, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes for yourself.It is important to advocate for yourself and communicate your needs to others, especially when it comes to making plans and canceling.Cooking for oneself can be an act of self-care, and it is important to challenge the notion that it is not worth it to cook for one person. Don't just follow beauty trends or societal expectations, choose makeup and beauty routines that bring you joy and creativity.Alone time can be an escape from beauty standards and an opportunity to embrace your natural self.Choose what beauty work brings you joy and let go of the tasks that feel tedious or unnecessary.Journaling and checking in with yourself can be a valuable practice for self-reflection and self-care.Chapters
00:00
Introduction and Speed Friending
02:14
Being Good at Time Alone
03:10
Introverts and Only Children
05:39
Alone Time During the Pandemic
08:05
Journalist Mode in Social Situations
11:12
Solo Hobbies
15:31
Changing Relationship with Alone Time
18:04
The Myth of Self-Care
27:57
Counteracting Myths Around Self-Care
32:30
Navigating External Reinforcement of Self-Care
35:08
Overcoming Only-Me-ism in Cooking
36:45
The Joy of Cooking and Makeup
38:20
The Danger of Makeup as a Tool to Hide
39:17
Rediscovering the Joy and Creativity of Makeup
40:30
The Solo Process of Makeup and Self-Criticism
41:35
Cooking for Yourself vs. Cooking for Others
43:58
Escaping Beauty Standards in Alone Time
44:49
Choosing What Beauty Work to Enjoy
47:25
Picking and Choosing What Makes You Feel Good
48:21
Alonement: Journalling and Checking In with Yourself
49:36
The Joy of Writing in a Nice Notebook
You can follow Anita Bhagwandas' Substack at anitabhagwandas.substack.com, and mine at francescaspecter.substack.com
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. -
Jessica Pan: The Introvert's Guide to Socialising
In this episode, Jessica Pan discusses her book 'Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come' and her journey of embracing extroversion. As we discuss on the show, Jessica is almost the opposite to me – she’s an introvert who learnt to be more extraverted, whereas I started exploring Alonement as a means of dealing with my fear, as an extrovert, of being alone. She tells me about her journey to embrace solo travel, socialising with strangers and making new friends, all with the help of her 'extrovert mentors'. What this following episode touches on is the importance of balance and choice around how we spend our alone time, plus how learning to integrate more connection in your life can help you fall back in love with your solitude. We also touch on the loneliness of big cities, particularly London, and how Jessica has managed to curate her own tiny village within the UK capital. Jessica also talks about starting her Substack newsletter, It'll Be Fun, They Said, based on part-time job working in a local independent bookshop. Finally, she shares her favourite kinds of alone time, which involves reading by the ocean and journaling in a cafe.
Takeaways
Embracing alone time can be a luxurious and fulfilling experience when it is a choice.Working in a bookshop can be enchanting and provide opportunities for meaningful connections with customers.Journaling is a valuable tool for self-reflection and understanding one's thoughts and feelings.Solo travel can be challenging but can also provide opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery.Having extrovert mentors can provide guidance and support in navigating social situations.Chapters
00:00
Introduction and Background
02:21
Different Journeys, Same Goal
03:42
The Fluidity of Introversion and Extroversion
04:10
The Pleasure of Working in a Bookshop
05:31
Starting the Substack Newsletter
06:30
Choosing Pleasure and Storytelling
08:25
The Enchantment of Working in a Bookshop
09:50
The Joy of Working in a Bookshop
10:46
The Aspirational Lifestyle of Working in a Bookshop
11:02
Balancing Work and Alone Time
12:57
The Privilege and Prison of Being Alone
13:57
Choosing to Be Alone
14:25
The Nuance of Enjoying Alone Time
15:24
The Universal Loneliness Problem
16:48
The Counterintuitive Decision to Be an Extrovert
17:18
The Loneliness of Metropolitan Life
19:10
The Surprise Solo Travel Experience
23:12
The Challenges of Solo Travel
25:08
The Benefit of Extrovert Mentors
32:50
Favorite Extrovert Adventures
36:36
Gaining Compassion for Introverted Parts
40:05
Tips for Spending Time Alone
45:27
Appreciating Introverted Parts of Yourself
46:26
Creating a Village in the City
49:21
Curating a Community
51:17
Creating Connections
52:15
Favourite Alone Time
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
You can follow Jessica Pan's Substack at jesspan.substack.com, and my own at francescaspecter.substack.com
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Customer Reviews
Much Needed
I wish this was around in my 30’s. I’ve loved this show from the very first episode I heard. Franseca is so smart and insightful. Her guests are amazing and I love practicing alonement now. It’s been eye opening
Ahead of her time
I have been listening to this podcast on and off over the past year. I've come to the conclusion that Francesca is ahead of her time. She explores the various states of alonement (loneliness, fear, solitude) and has chosen people who have wisdom beyond their years. Francesca is an astute interviewer, and coupled with her personal experience, reveals dimensions of alonement that even clinicians, social scientists, and anthropolgists, would appreciate. Bravo, Francesca! The topic of alonement is timeless and you've fearlessly brought it out of the dark, away from those terrible studies that state how unhealthy being alone is and that we are social animals, as if the two are mutually exclusive. Rather, you show why they are complementary states, fundamental for a healthy society. Thank you!
Grateful!
What a refreshing podcast!
In a world where I often feel pressured to find my identity in something outside of myself, I feel a deep sense of gratitude and rest listening to these interviews. Francesca, you exude grace, humility, confidence and respect towards your guests and us, the listeners. Thank you for that!
I often find myself ruminating on my past or present perceived failures, sometimes, believing this is why I’m alone. Thank you for reminding me that I am exactly where I need to be right now and I can confidently own it!
P.S. Alain de Botton right out of the gate?! Wow! Great lineup of guests!